Thoughts on Episode 9: Forgiveness
I love having conversations with my best friend. I have been thinking about the concept of forgiveness for awhile now and I am grateful that I was able to process my thoughts about forgiveness with Jessica and the day we recorded I needed the laughs that filled the room. The laughter shared between the two of us filled my soul. Thanks friend. One of the catalysts for my thoughts on forgiveness was the two of us going to watch The Color Purple, the musical. Although I did not like this interpretation of The Color Purple, I appreciate the seeds that it planted in me. In my life I have been faced with the decision to forgive or not forgive and there are times when I am hurt so badly, I cannot bear to forgive and I choose to move on. I cannot bear the thought of giving my all to people; loving them, caring for them, holding them close to me and in return, I am hurt by them by an action that is a violation to my values. That is what it boils down to… my values being violated. There are some things that I cannot possibly forgive, no matter who the offender is.
I had the experiences of having close relationships with friends that I believed would be in my life until I was sitting on porches, watching the sunset and maybe crocheting a blanket for my grandchildren and when those friendships had to end due to lack of trust or miscommunication that unveiled something deeper, something that I did not want to realize before, it broke my heart. In some of these relationships, the opportunity to rekindle the friendship had presented itself and I would entertain it for a short amount of time, then I would realize how badly I was hurt and how I did nor fully process the feelings of hurt the first time around. Around this time, last year, I ended a friendship with someone I had been friends with for a long time. I learned that this friend was not honest and the fact that they chose to isolate me because of my skin to make new folks in their life comfortable was something unforgivable. Was I hurt? Absolutely. Did I grieve? Sure. But during the hurt and the grief, I knew that there was no way on bell hooks’ green earth could I have continued a friendship, supported them in their new life and still upheld me. There was no question, the friendship had to end. Of course, I received the “I can’t be racist, you were my Black friend” “Everyone who knows me would NEVER'“ or my favorite “the person who gives me life skills is a Black woman so how could I possibly?” After the closure it became crystal clear to me, I can wish them well in all their future endeavors and I hope they get the life they have jeopardized their own values for but can I stand around for the foolishness? Nope.
What was highlighted in this episode is you don’t have to forgive shit, if you don’t want to. No one or institution should force us to feel that we need to forgive if you can’t. If you need to move on, maybe it is simply telling God, your ancestors, or whomever you subscribe that you are ready to close out that chapter and leave it to them to forgive them. That is your superpower.
xoxo, Chioko